Sunday, 8 July 2012
Out of Hibernation
There are a number of things I want to say in this post, so a word of warning: this post will ramble. It will not cover any particular one topic, but it will exorcise the demons within my blogger's head, and hopefully give a better understanding to why I had to 'take time out', as it were.
Having had the time to reflect, cogitate and consider, I feel I now know what happened to me post April Blogfest - I had nothing to aim for. After a month of daily posting, scouring the web for images, topics and a wee bit of research, I suddenly felt empty. No driving force behind me to write, no deadline to uphold, no desire to produce something new. I had been sucked dry of all motivation and creativity.
The April Blogfest was akin to a blogging vampire - it had sucked me dry, without realising it. Previously to April, I was a self-propelling blogger. A bit here, a bit there. Comments here, comments there. Then the April Blogfest snuggled up to me and whispered seductively in my blogger's ear. I fell completely under its spell, like the half dreaming man, seduced by the nightly visits of a Succubi - minus the sex, of course!
As it was amazing, entertaining and enveloping, introducing me to new and wonderful blogofs and their amazing blogs (some of whom I now consider to be of special import to me - hopefully you know who you are, so I'm not going to embarrass anyone with names), it was conversely a pressurised time-sink. One that gave you a guilt-trip to end guilt trips when it came to that daily deadline - self-imposed, of course. It placed upon you that niggling fear of failure to produce. Failure of finishing. Something so simple as writing a piece, be it entertaining, educating, amusing, thought-provoking, factual or fictional, became monolithic in its delivery. For many, this was overwhelming and too great to continue, so fell by the way side. By no means am I criticising those who failed to finish. In many ways I applaud them for their bravery in admitting the task too great a burden. I too, felt the pressure. But I also felt that hook buried deep within my blogger's brain tugging at me: one more, one more day, you can do it, one more day!
I would not be beaten. But now I realise it came with a price. Without my nagging task master to urge me on I withdrew and turned my back on my writing - in all its forms. I was done. I even came close to closing my blog for good. I even contemplated copying and pasting my written shorts and poems and then deleting the whole content of my blog. I felt strongly adversed to blogging.
It is now first quarter of July. I am working in a new job - partly forced upon me by financial difficulties, of which I know I am no way alone, nor unique - due to the fact that functioning for over six years as a Sports Massage Therapist & Rehab Trainer had ceased to earn me a sustainable wage. Some weeks I would only make £35 for a week, other weeks I would earn zero. I refused to claim Government support, silly of me, maybe? But pride can be the silliest of things, especially when combined with a *stubborn streak that likes to take control of logical reasoning. I have a plan though; I intend to continue with my Sports Massage but on a mobile basis, travelling to my former clients' homes if they so desire it. The beauty of this idea is that it gives me 100% control over when and where I do this, as my new job gives me enough days off to work for myself.
At the moment though, I'm just getting used to the 3am and 4am starts. Settling into a decent sleep routine is proving tricky. When I get home at 1pm (or there abouts) I'm not exactly sprinting for my bed. Food takes pride of place in the order of things I need, then a bit of 'down time', then a shower, or soak in the bath. Amongst all that is my guilty mind telling me I should be training, but now having a right knee that exhibits the exact same symptoms as my previously operated on left knee, I know for sure that I've damaged the meniscus in said right knee. Old age is a bastard!
A couple of weeks ago I did the Insanity Fit Test (I won't post a link, as it would look too much like product promotion) - silly of me, yes, but I refer you to my previous comment regarding my *stubborn streak. I was in denial, plain and simple. 'I could do this', I told myself. 'I will do this', I convinced myself. And I did.
For the next several days I felt as if some bastard has switched my legs for those belonging to an 80 year old. Oh, the tenderness of my leg muscles and the pain in my knee had me hobbling up and down the stairs with a commentary consisting of blasphemous indignation and cursing that even caused our dog, Darcy, to hide herself away upon my approach.
So, to the present. I'm feeling happier now to face blogging on a semi-regular basis to begin with. What those posts will consist of is open to debate. All I know is that I want to start writing again. I've missed the interaction with you all. I will get round to visiting your blogs again, of that you have my word. Maybe not immediately, but I shall be turning up like the proverbial bad penny.
To those of you so very kind enough to post encouraging comments, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your understanding and patience is extremely appreciated. I will be visiting your blogs soon enough. I'm also very grateful to you all for sticking with me in my time of absence, really I am.
It's a nice feeling to be coming back :)