Friday, 3 April 2015

A-Z Day 3

Copyright ©2015 Mark Kelly.
C is for Closure.

I think at some point or other in our lives we've all experienced the need for closure. For those yet to encounter this, or have been blessed never to have felt the need for closure in one form or other, consider yourself the most of fortunate people indeed.

Closure seems (to my way of thinking) based purely in the emotional part of the human psyche. That part within us that grips on to a thing with a python-like death-grip, not wanting to let go until truly satisfied. But even then, for some of us, that still is just not enough and we go on through our lives clutching that 'thing' inside us, though hidden away like some hidden treasure we have stolen, every now and then guiltily drawing it out from the dark place and basking in the negative.

This might come by way of a song, a bout of depression, having a little too much to drink, or just feeling so low and bummed out that the only way to 'lift' yourself from the gloom is to visit a dark shard of your past - a time of happier moments tempered with the bitter-sweetness of regret.

Hands up all those who have been there, done that and got the t-shirt? Yep. I'm one of those too. Odd thing is, the t-shirt never shrinks or fades and always seems to fit just right. How strange is that?

From a pesonal level, closure relates to two distinct catagories: bereavement and relationships.

Closure regarding bereavement: it stems from, in my father's case, not being there in his last moments and being able to say that I loved him and goodbye. As was that case with a very close aunt and uncle who had raised me more or less as their own, and not so long ago, my father-in-law.
Was I embarrassed to say what was in my heart? Yes. Do I regret it? Yes. Do I have closure? Not really, but I've had 'conversations' with all previously mentioned - as crazy as that might sound to some - not out loud, I hasten to add, but in that small, quiet voice we carry within our heads. I would dearly love to say I had clear replies, but no.

It boils down to this - why wait? Waiting did nothing but waste time. Precious, valuable moments with those for whom we mourn once departed and chew ourselve up with regret and guilt. Natural reactions, granted, but it can't bring anyone back. I know, for if it could I wouldn't be writing this piece. From this I have learned, and realised, when my time approaches I'll be (if able) having some meanignful conversations with those I hold dear and love.

Closure regarding relationships: this one is harder to quantify, at least for me. There was a time in my life, that bullet-proof teenager to mid-twenties time, when such things evaporated without so much as leaving a smirch upon my heart.

Oh, how time doth change me so. Cruel, cruel time, your ever grinning smile a chime dischordant to my heart.

But why is this? Maturity? Insecurity? Answers? My vote is on the latter: answers. At the end of a relationship it's getting those questions answered, tidying up the lose ends, and packing away all the emotional baggage. There is nothing worse than having to return to the room that is your heart only to find the one you shared it with has done a moon-light flit, left the window wide open, curtains blowing in the breeze and a scattered mess across its floor. Bereft of answers your mind goes into a crazy waltz with your heart, twirling, and twirling till you can't tell fact from fiction, reality from imagination.

By this I refer to the recall aspect of the mind: "Did you actually say that?" "Did we really do that or go there?" "Were we truly that miserable/happy?"
Your brain does an amazing confidence trick with your memory. It subtly erases parts whilst photoshopping others to cause you to doubt yourself on events leading up to the moment of departure.

I will say I have only experienced two such events. One of which I still carry and always will, the other is just a puzzle.mystery to me, and I doubt will ever be answered. Life goes on.

So, in conclusion, closure is essential with those we love. It's intrinsic to our mind, body and soul. Whether it is the final goodbye to a loved one or the ending of a relationship, for us to remain happy and true to ourselves and go on living at peace not only with ourselves, but those around us, closure is key. Make it a positive experience. Learn from it, embrace it, make it your own, but never let it control you.

Easier said than done. Eh?

PS: apologies for the late posting ;)


  1. Closure is difficult when some of the doors you close try to stay open...

    1. Oh yes, I know that place - I have one such door that is wedged firmly ajar - though it is not entirely an unpleasant one, that is my only saving grace I suppose?

  2. I agree with Jeremy on that!
    Bereavement closure also hinders on the feelings/ beliefs one has on "life after death" and such. Breaking up... well, that can be hard to do. Always good to keep a list of reasons for the breakup to remind oneself, lest you end up needing closure more than once.

    J here, stopping by from the #atozchallenge - where I am part of the A to Z Ambassador Team! (I'm a minion/volunteer under Arlee.)
    Great post. I'm looking forward to more. Let me know if I can help you in any blogging way this month. I've followed you on your listed social media sites.

  3. Hi J,thanks for paying me a visit - always good to meet 'new' bloggers from the blogoverse in which we delve.

    Your comments are interesting and valid - I think that's whatmakes certain topics interesting, that there is no definable 'right' answer, just a mix of perspectives and personal experiences.

    But I promise the whole A-Z won't be so maudlin ;)